June 5 was 7 months since Shawn decided to work harder at avoiding pornography, and I wanted to share some of the progress with my readers to inspire them and show them it gets better. I hope sharing my whole story can help any female out there going through the same thing, or any male who wants to change.
About a year and a half ago, I realized that Shawn was still looking at pornography in our relationship, and it hurt me even though I told him it wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t think it was a big deal until I actually saw it in front of my face. I used to get upset because I would wonder what I did wrong to cause him to look at porn. Was it because I wasn’t sexually attractive to him? Was I not having sex with him enough? Did he need pictures of me? What baffled me more was the fact that he wasn’t even masturbating to them, it was just a mental drive he had to seek the imagery out. I begun trying to talk to him about how it made me feel, and he would get angry/defensive and would tell me it was a natural male thing to do, and that it had nothing to do with me. It caused a vicious cycle within myself. I would cry myself to sleep a lot and I became obsessive with sex-I thought if I always had sex with him that it would make him not wanna look at other naked women. It caused us to fight sometimes because I would get upset if he didn’t want to have sex at a given moment.
About 6 months into our relationship Shawn promised me he wouldn’t look at porn anymore after I got on my knees and cried, saying how it hurt me but if it made him happy he could look at it. I thought things were better, but something in my mind told me it wasn’t. I’d snoop through his phone and would catch him looking at it sometimes, and it led to us arguing and him saying he slipped up. The cycle continued on and off for about a year. I would get nervous if he was home alone and bored, because I was afraid he would look at porn. I would get upset in public if there was an attractive woman because I was scared it would trigger him. One day I had a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I snooped through his phone for the first time in months and saw PornHub in his history. We had discussed a female celebrity and it was a trigger to him to look at porn. It upset me because he had promised me before that if he felt triggered he’d tell me. It caused problems and I felt insecure and stupid. I trusted him and he lied to me.
You may be assuming I’m some fat, ugly and insecure female, but I’m not. Well, maybe a little insecure, but not fat or ugly. I’m beautiful, curvy and Shawn reminds me everyday that he finds me sexy. Why I was so angry about porn was because it affects our sex life. I can always tell when something is wrong with our sex life. When he couldn’t get/stay hard for 2-3 days in a row or couldn’t finish, I would snoop through his phone and either found the history clear or a bunch of porn! So whenever there was this 2-3 day pattern I would snoop, and I was right every time!
This is when he informed me that he couldn’t stay clean from porn for more than 3 months, even though he was trying. He cried, hugged me and told me he was sorry for hurting me again. I told him it would be okay, to just be honest next time and that we would get through it together. I believed in him and could tell he was genuinely sorry. He said from the time he was 10 until he got with me at 20 that he had a routine with porn and that it was hard to break free completely.
That is when I started writing this blog, back in November. Shawn encouraged me to blog about my feelings. He reads every blog post I write so I poured my feelings out. He begun telling me about how his art class at school had some nude artwork and it didn’t trigger him, I felt so proud of him. One day we were browsing a website with funny pictures when I saw that there were porn ads in the bottom, but I didn’t say anything because I felt he was doing great, why bother ruining it? But then that old 2-3 days pattern occurred so I felt I had no choice. I tried discussing my feelings beforehand but he deleted his history and said “I wish I could show you my history but I cleared it earlier today,” when I just saw him do it. I managed to catch him though when I saw inappropriate Google searches in his Google activity. He broke down more so than I had ever seen him. He held me and cried again, and told me he was sorry. He saw how happy I was and that he didn’t want to upset me by saying that he had failed again. I didn’t get upset this time and we talked about it. I realized that a lot of his triggers were not what I thought they were. His triggers are stress and boredom, and knowing I hated porn stressed him out. It caused a cycle where he would try hard and fail, get nervous to tell me, would feel guilty, and our sex life got affected.
After that last breakdown was when things started getting better. Since that day, Shawn hasn’t gone on that website with the porn ads. Neither of us have had social media in a year and a half. He limits his internet activity, and mainly reads the news on his news app. He’s even been honest with me if he’s seen a story that would cause him to be triggered and he actually hasn’t felt triggered in awhile because he genuinely cares and wants to get better. A few months ago when there was a story about a nude celebrity, although he had a slip he was honest when I asked him, and it didn’t cause him to have a porn binge. I was very proud of him. In the 7 months since that breakdown and decision to change, we haven’t had any issues with our sex life and he has become more comfortable opening up to me about things that are triggering to him. I understand now his triggers are mostly boredom, and he is shifting his boredom to more appropriate things. If there is a story that he knows there may be a chance nudity may be featured, he avoids it. I know that there may be slips in the future but I am happy he is doing well and is trying his best for me. That is all I want. I don’t expect perfection, I do expect honest and putting his best foot forward. I want him to feel he can discuss things with me.
I hope our story can help other people going through this and if you want to hear more, comment below.