The journey of life is an adventurous one. I’m currently about to graduate college with my Bachelors in Psychology. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past year and a half, about what I want from myself and others. I really want to help other people somehow, but I feel that working directly one on one isn’t for me.
I’m slowly overcoming a lot of wounds from my childhood, and talking to G especially helps me. He’s my rock and I feel at ease talking to him about stuff that most people couldn’t drag out of me. From a young age I was bullied, verbally and emotionally, and it led to me closing the gates of my heart to others. When I was a teenager a few males that I knew sexually harassed me, and tried to get pictures of me. One even saved a picture of me and told me he would masturbate to it. It absolutely crushed me and led to me having a hard time trusting men. For a long time I felt all men were sexual deviants and pigs. To this day I still feel uncomfortable standing next to a man or walking in front of one, because I had a random stranger slap my butt thinking I was his girlfriend, and just because I can feel when someone is staring at me.
I’m a total sweetheart and love giving to other people. I like listening to what they have to say and giving advice, because I never had that with a friend growing up. I always felt like a burden to others. I have reasons for why I am the way I am. I’m nice, but I’m guarded. I’m a good listener but not much of a talker. I’m hypersensitive because people have pushed me to my breaking point time and time again. I’m jealous and clingy because people have reeled me in only to throw me back in the pond.
For me my biggest issue that I am trying to overcome in 2017 is how I see myself. I know God creates everyone in his image and wants us to feel beautiful, but it is hard. From a young age I’ve been let down. I remember being a little girl and my mom brushing my long hair, I felt like a princess. She told me the beauty mark on my cheek was the mark of an angel and that it makes me unique. Unfortunately most kids my age didn’t see it that way. Ugly. Freak. Weird mole. Stupid. Weirdo. These were some of the names I dealt with at school. I wore clothes my mother made for me a lot and people teased me for that.
When I was younger I remember stumbling across my brother’s Maxim collection. I looked at the pictures of these women, some nude and some semi-nude, and seeing how powerful and confident they looked, and how they could get people’s attention. My brother told me once “Some girls are naturally hot and it’s okay that you’re not. You still have a great personality.” Hearing that from a male from my own family crushed me. I was at the awkward age of 12, just starting to go through puberty. My breasts didn’t develop quick enough, I got minor acne, my butt was huge, my thighs were bigger, and I couldn’t for the life of me put makeup on well.
People teased me and said I tried so hard. No one understood what years of bullying and my brother’s harsh words did to me. I caught my brother looking at porn and it upset me but my parents quickly swept it under the rug, all men do it, it’s natural, etc., and here I was with all sorts of questions about myself, my body, my sexuality. I was always intimidated by these women. They had fat in all the right places, had perfectly symmetrical features and had people coming back for more. I thought I put that behind me, but when G’s pornography issue came to light it brought back all these painful memories. I cried when I saw that he looked at nude selfies of everyday women. It’s bad enough knowing you’ll never look like the models you saw in a magazine, but realizing that any naked/semi naked every day women was a threat absolutely killed me. My self esteem was at an all time low for a long time.
As I mentioned in my anti-porn blog, G has been over 3 months porn free. It takes dedication and a lot of hard work on both of our ends. My self esteem continues to grow everyday. I don’t feel intimidated when I see women with bigger breasts or butts than me, because I know that G is happy with me and we both forget about the people we see anyway. I don’t get as much anxiety over tasteful nudity in art because I know it won’t trigger G. That was what gave me the most anxiety, not knowing what would trigger him. Knowing his triggers helps me relax, and makes me realize that most things won’t trigger him because he loves me and is happy with me.
Someday I want to give back in a way that helps young women who have dealt with anxiety, depression, sexual harassment or assault, and eating disorders. I understand how it feels to wake up everyday hating who you are and how you look. I still struggle with that today when I see I’ve gained weight or if I have an acne breakout. But life is about conquering your demons, and I work hard to conquer mine. I know I’m not perfect, but for the first time in my life I know I’m beautiful and worth it. I know that I’m deserving of love, happiness, and respect.
Something I’ve learned is that we cannot compare ourselves so much to others. There will be women who look better, talk better, are smarter, richer, etc., but we are our own person. It doesn’t help that we live in a fast paced world which teaches us to chase after the next best thing and to worship celebrities. They’re not real. Porn stars aren’t real. We are real. Most people fascinated with celebrities and porn are intrigued by the fantasy. The idea of the perfect person who will do anything we want and will never leave us. That fantasy can be real, but we cannot have everything we want. There are going to be scars and bruises along the way. We have to recognize on both ends that people aren’t perfect. Men, realize most women don’t look like they’re magazine ready all the time and may not be down for every sex act imaginable, but just communicate your needs and we can accommodate you. Ladies, realize that for most of their lives men are sexual creatures and are taught to lust after beautiful women, but that if a man loves you he’ll at least try to stop for you, and will make efforts to find better uses of his time.
Ladies and Gentleman, love yourself and your fellow humans. Love them through their flaws. Know that no one intends to be unreasonable and we all have our own scars. We all have painful memories that we try to bury deep. You don’t always have to 100% understand someone, cuz chances are you can’t unless you lived through what they did. Just empathize. Know that they have reasons for not being ok with certain things, and respect that. But also know you have to make yourself approachable, and be willing to open your heart to someone. Let them know why it causes you pain, and how they can help, but also know change often cannot happen overnight. We are all beautiful sons and daughters of God. He wants us to be happy and succeed. I wanted to share more of my story with you so you all know what shapes my opinions. I will end this post with a picture I feel is appropriate 😊