Honesty

Honesty refers to a facet of moral character and connotes positive and virtuous attributes such as integrity, truthfulness, straightforwardness, including straightforwardness of conduct, along with the absence of lying, cheating, theft, etc. Furthermore, honesty means being trustworthy, loyal, fair, and sincere.”

Hello everyone! I wanted to write another blog post today on the topic of honesty. Honesty is a topic that hits home for me, simply because a lot of people in my life haven’t been honest with me. It hurts. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough for the truth. I let people in my life know that I am someone who requires full disclosure and I’ve had to let go of people who break this rule for me.

Honesty is not just telling the truth: that is the superficial definition. For me, a honest person is truthful, loyal, genuine, does not try to deceive you, and keeps you in mind when they do things. You cannot be honest when you are disloyal or deceitful. Being lied to is one of the worst feelings ever. Usually humans lie because they want to avoid conflict, they don’t think it’s a big deal, the truth hurts more than a lie, and because they don’t want to cause someone they love pain. I understand why people lie. But it doesn’t make lying right. 

I try to do unto others what I want others to do unto me. When I wrong someone in some way, I try to be immediately honest with them and disclose why I did what I did, I ask for forgiveness and I leave myself open for questions. To me, this is the right way to be honest. I feel humans try to do the “honesty sprinkles” game where they sprinkle on some honesty to the story but for the most part it is a lie. That is wrong. You’re deceiving someone and trying to make yourself feel better about it by adding pieces of the truth!

Yesterday G and I made a huge milestone in our relationship. There was a popular news story on Lisa Rinna posting a nude picture of herself online. I was using G’s phone at the time and I went to Google something that had to do with our investment and it began with an “L”, and I see “Lisa Rinna naked” pop up in the Google search. The first thing I do is have some anxiety about the situation and wonder if anything else happen. Did he look up more women naked? If so, how much? What brought on this search? Was it on the News app? Did someone tell him about it? Is he going to be truthful with me? I asked G and he was honest with me, he did not try to deceive me and owned up to looking up the search. For some of you, you may roll your eyes and say it’s not a big deal, but for me it is. Much of the pain G’s porn problem has caused me is due to the lying. I would see searches when I snooped and instead of being honest, he’d deny the searches, say they were old, would delete them when I was right next to him, and he would only be honest if I showed him the searches. 

I was happy that he was honest and I am understanding because he is honest. There’s slip ups and relapses, but I don’t consider this either. I would consider this a slip up if this caused him to have a mini-binge but he stopped due to self control. Much like if an alcoholic has a drink but stops before he spirals into a binge. I’d consider this a relapse if it caused him to have a full binge, he looked at a bunch of women and it potentially led to masturbation. I don’t consider it a slip up because it was an isolated incident and it was triggered by a popular news story and he was trying to get answers. While I loathe nudity/porn/excessive sexuality and I am ashamed that Lisa Rinna posted this picture in order to celebrate PlayBoy beginning to post nudes in their magazine again, I am proud of G for being honest with me. That’s all I want. It allowed me to have clarification and we can discuss what is ok and not ok about this scenario. 

I’m not really sure what to call this scenario, but I guess it’s closer to a slip up than a relapse, but I won’t count it against his 4 months of sobriety because of the intent. He was honest right away and stopped. According to Sex Addictions Counseling, it is a slip if it was an isolated incident, you stopped immediately afterwards, you did not attempt to hide or minimize it, and you learned something from it. G fits in closer to this category. A relapse is when it causes you to binge and say “Screw it, I messed up I might as well keep doing it!” G hasn’t binged and he is honest with me. That is what means more to me and why I am happy that he is honest. Again, I am not justifying what happened. I loathe how celebrities post pictures of themselves to stay relevant. But would I rather G have a slip and be honest than him fully relapse and lie to me? Yes I would. 

When you love someone, you have to be honest with them even if it is going to hurt their feelings. People try to beat around the bush and try to spare feelings, but when you try to spare feelings you just set someone up for heartbreak. I’ve come along way in this past year and a half almost. G and I were disconnected due to pornography. He didn’t wanna talk about it with me and that hurt. I felt he was doing something that hurt me and didn’t care about how it made me feel. We’d make little steps and then have set backs. I got frustrated having to spell out what specific behaviors hurt me. Yes it’s all celebrities. Of all ages. Yes it’s normal women. Yes it’s men if it causes you to look at porn. Porn is anything involving nudity that gives you sexual gratification. If you have to ask, it’s porn. But I’ve learned if you love someone you have to be patient and kind towards them. I’ve been patient and kind with G, and although it’s been a long, stressful process, it’s also been rewarding. It’s allowed us to grow in our faith, our respect for one another has grown, and it has allowed us to learn to deal with setbacks and things we don’t like.

I’ve been broken down many times by people. I don’t get disappointed anymore when people hurt me because I just expect it. But it doesn’t make it easier to deal with, either. But when you love someone you work with them and don’t give up on them. I won’t give up on G. Everyday he makes progress and learns what it means to be a good man, partner and friend. Being a supportive partner means understanding your partner and being willing to break free from your own biases and prejudices to understand them. ❤

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