Today is a rough day. I found out I failed a test and that usually never happens to me, especially the low grade that I got. Then G read my blog post and said that it made him sad/concerned. I feel like the more I try to express my feelings the more people make me feel like I’m insane. I’ve confided in people close to me about my anxiety and specific triggers that make me anxious, and people just tell me to go see a therapist. As a psychology major, I understand how one’s mental health is important and speaking to a professional is important when you have issues. But sometimes when someone confides in you they just want you to tell them that you understand them and support how they’re feeling over a particular topic. I know people don’t intend to come off as dismissing, but it’s how it feels to me. 

Studying sexual addiction is important to me because of people in my life who have addictions to pornograpy or who have been promiscuous because of being raped/sexually assaulted. It’s very dismissing for people whose opinions matter most to you to make you feel lousy for having your views. My parents have called me a zealot because I have a t-shirt that says “porn kills love”. That crushes me because it makes me not wanna confide in them about experiences I’ve had. 

I honestly have no clue how to deal with everything. Overall, these last few months I’ve seen an increase in my self esteem and how I look at myself. I feel more confident in my clothes and who I am as a woman. I guess my fears of losing that causes me to lash out at G. He’s been doing great with his journey to stop looking at porn, but when he slips up I freak out. I forgive him but I don’t forget anything that’s happened. I remember roughly when he’s slipped up, what he looked at, etc. I feel sad when he tells me “porn isn’t the worst thing in the world.” I know it isn’t his intention but it makes me feel like my triggers and ptsd relating to porn isn’t important. 

Some people are perfectly okay with porn being in their relationships: one or both people look at it, it doesn’t cause any problems for them. Good for them, I’m happy that they find something that works for them and makes them happy. I’m not one of those people. The only nude people I want being involved in my relationship are my boyfriend and I. That’s an abnormal request in the world we live in today when sex is being plastered left and right. It makes me feel safe, loved and cherished when I know my partner only looks at my body that way. A lot of men say that they wouldn’t care if their partner looked at porn, but it’s because a lot of women don’t look at porn, and many who do look at lesbian porn. But I’m sure a lot of men wouldn’t like it if they came home and their wife/girlfriend was masturbating with a dildo to other men. 

I spoke with a colleague of mine yesterday who is a Christian. He says he grew up in Los Angeles in the 80s and there was nudity everywhere. People become immune to it. But he says porn today is a lot different than porn of the 80s, and he’s right. He says he’s not perfect, but he prays when he finds himself tempted to sin and lust after women. And he’s single. I feel if he can curb his sexual desires and boredom so can men in relationships. Porn of the 80s was not as visual as it is today, people were hairy, and it was more focused on mutual pleasure. Today most porn is centered on men and what is pleasurable to them: degrading their female partner. Men admit that they like seeing women in porn being brutalized, slapped, spit on, sworn at, etc. 

It would be a totally different world if porn was a female-focused industry. Men would be very jealous if their girlfriends/wives were looking at men with abs, muscles and huge penises all the time. If the media published pictures of naked/half naked men all the time. If women’s bodies were censored and men’s were not. More men would have body image issues. If they kept catching their wives looking at naked men, and dealt with the frustrating battle of their wives lying about it all the time. Porn degrades men and women, but you’re fooling yourself if you think it’s equal. You never really see the man in mainstream porn besides his penis. Women are the ones being spanked, spat on, sworn at, and being treated like a toy. Men would understand how it felt if they were being looked at like a piece of meat everywhere they went.

Men say “I wouldn’t care if my girl looked at porn” because they assume that she means looking at soft stuff just because she’s a girl. They think girls would look at lesbian porn or soft core porn. But how would they feel if they were a small, white male and their girlfriend constantly looked at big, muscular black men in porn. They’d be pretty upset and would wonder to themselves if that is what their girlfriend wanted. That’s how we feel. When we hear about another naked celebrity we think to ourselves “Great, that might trigger him to look at her and other women.” Imagine if men had to hear about Channing Tatum’s leaked nudes all the time and their wives were constantly looking at them? If their wives weren’t as interested in sex as they were because they aren’t horny because they looked at porn earlier? If women performers were all innocent and male performers were always half naked shaking their butts and junk? 

The messed up part is that most men deny that women are treated poorly and laugh it off as women being on their periods or something ignorant. That’s why porn is big. That and the government gets money from it. Playboy contributes millions of dollars a year to the government, including to the education and judicial branches. The news publishes stories on pornography to distract everyone. People become addicted to pornography and then the government paid psychiatrists tell everyone it’s not an addiction. Well what do you call it when 20 year old men are going to the doctor with ED? A disease that shouldn’t affect them for another 50 years. Or that younger and younger kids are being exposed to pornography. Porn is most people’s first partner, along with their hand.

I get so fed up of being told that I need to accept porn in my relationship and in general. I never tell people who like porn that they’re wrong, so why do they tell me I’m wrong? Why am I wrong for wanting my partner to look at me naked and only me? Why am I wrong for wanting him to just love me, my body and to solve boredom or sexual frustration with me? 😦


One thought on “Butterfly

  1. I don’t think you’re wrong at all. if you’ve been in a situation (or situations) where you didn’t have a choice and were made to submit to someone else’s choices against your will, then it is for your own health and well-being to be able to choose what you let into your life and what you choose not to let into your life. (Just my humble opinion, but I really think it’s true.)

    Liked by 1 person

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