I mention him in almost every post on my blogs, so I figured I would write about G in this blog post. Tell you more about us and our history together.
It all started in August 2014. He just got a job at the coffee shop I worked at. I saw him here and there at work, but we didn’t work the same shift so we didn’t see each other much. By November, my shift lead was fired and G was chosen to replace her. I was upset because I felt that I deserved the position based on my time working at the coffee shop and the fact that I was trained over a year ago to take the position. G was friendly to me, despite the fact that I initially was cold towards him for getting the promotion I wanted. He vowed that he would get me promoted some day. People told me that before so I didn’t take it seriously.
Fast forward to February 2015. The Patriots won the Super Bowl. During the Super Bowl, G had given me updates about the game the whole time. We no longer worked together, but he got me promoted. We became friends during our few months working together. After his friend passed away, I saw a more vulnerable side of him and it made me want to be his friend. He encouraged me to be my best self and made me excited to wake up everyday because I knew he’d text me “Good morning.”
By April 2015, it was clear that we weren’t just friends. We were spending more time together and I was falling for him. One of my supervisors had been bullying me and making me miserable at work. On April 4, 2015 it was especially bad. She made me cry and I was beginning to break. G and two of our friends visited me because they knew I was having a rough day, but my supervisor made them leave. Later on that night G was hinting to me that he wanted to date me, but I was so confused. I was afraid of getting in trouble at work, but that night made everything click. He hugged me so tight when he came back to see me, and I knew then I wanted to give him a chance.
He took me on a date, we spent more time together, and he even gave me my first kiss in over 10 years. On April 21, 2015 I agreed to be his girlfriend. Almost two years later, we’re stronger than ever. We’ve grown so much since then, we’re almost ready to be on our own, and we get through everything together. There’s been bumps along the way but we don’t let them stop us.
G was my first everything basically, so it’s been a long road. I feel badly sometimes because I still make mistakes. I admit I’m a very clingy girlfriend. Even though I try to stop myself from doing it I catch myself glancing at the screen when he’s on his phone. I get nervous to speak up when something bothers me because I’m afraid of pushing him away. I freak out over too many things. He gives up opportunities to study at a farther away school, to make more money by getting a second job, etc., for me. He deals with my insecurities. He always apologizes when he makes a mistake. I’m hard on myself a lot, but I try to tell myself if he wasn’t happy with me he wouldn’t be with me.
I worry about being a broken soul and repairing my wounds. Stiching myself back together piece by piece is tough. Sometimes G can’t rationalize why I’m feeling a certain way so it causes tension. I wish I wasn’t how I am but I accept how I am. 4 months after G’s last major relapse with porn, it’s been an eye opening experience and I think we’ve both learned a lot. He has been more honest and I’ve been more open to talking. He slipped up about two weeks ago and was honest with me, a huge victory in my opinion. I’ve been working on changing how I react so I am more approachable. I understand he’s not perfect but just want effort. To me an effort is knowing triggers, websites with triggers, and when confronted with a trigger after trying to avoid them to do the best he can to not slip. And if he does slip at least be honest if I ask. And he’s been doing that. I still worry, and it shows by me peeking over his shoulder sometimes when he’s doing something on his phone. I get scared of going back to the times when he looked at porn a lot and when our sex life was negatively affected. I get scared of him changing his mind and saying it’s not a big deal so he’s going to do it. But I try to tell myself that he loves me and that he’s doing his best.
I try to pray a lot for us individually and us together. Next summer we’re going to have our own apartment, full-time jobs, finishing up with our degrees online, and we have to pay bills while putting away money. Life is stressful. G has a hectic home life, has no days off between work and school, deals with my crazy self everyday, and tries to help those in his life. I work a stressful job, am finishing my senior year, and G really is my one and only close friend. I know God rewards us for our efforts by giving us little things to enjoy. Next month we’re going to Dallas, Texas with his family, as well as celebrating our two year anniversary. I believe God is helping us along our journey.
June will also be 3 years sobriety for G from hard drugs. I’m very proud of him. I know when he truly wants something he works hard to obtain it. August will be 2 years since he bought a pack of cigarettes. May will be 6 months since his D-Day with porn, and besides minor slip ups he’s been doing great. Like Paul McCartney once said sometimes you have to “Let it Be,” and have faith in people. I try to have faith in G and when I get anxious I just pray. I pray to God that He helps G and I conquer any troubles that come our way, I pray for forgiveness on both ends and I try to pray we become better for each other every day. ❤