So I wanted to take the time to talk about my progress with my medication. I started Paxil 10 mg the day before Thanksgiving, and about a month later I was updated to 20 mg a day. This is the first medication I’ve formally been on and I’ve overall had a great experience with it. I also wanted to discuss my triggers and explain how I’m learning to deal with them to help you guys all out.
It helps me with having better control over my mood swings, anxiety, depression and just being able to calm myself down. Besides the few times where I missed my medication and had a meltdown, I haven’t had any extremely bad days. I have been able to prevent myself from having a meltdown many times and I was not able to really do that before.
I’ve still had panic attacks, but I’ve been able to stop them before they could get too bad. Overall, I feel more calm and relaxed throughout the day. My anxiety and depression are still there, but they don’t own me, I own them now.
Paired with my medication, I’m learning to identify what triggers me to be upset and to discuss it with my loved ones so they understand. It is still frustrating sometimes because I feel that people don’t understand why something is triggering when I explain why a bunch of times, but it’s been better. I can form rational thoughts and understand my triggers.
My triggers are still my Achilles’ heel. Last night I was triggered because I saw something on my phone that would be triggering for G if he saw it so I was restless before I went to sleep. Thanks to my medicine, instead of having a full blown anxiety attack and worrying myself to death, I decided to speak with G about what I saw and see if he saw it, and if he did how he reacted to it. I also told myself there’s a chance he didn’t even see it so my worries may be unfounded. I’m still triggered by news stories that mention sex/nudity, women that I deem to be superior to me, celebrities/porn stars that I know G has seen naked, etc., but I’m learning to lay my triggers out, accept them and try to teach others about them. I know getting quiet and upset if I’m triggered only upsets those around me because they don’t understand. Many times G doesn’t understand why I’m upset and feels I’m projecting it onto him, and it leads to an arguement because he feels I’m taking something out on him when he hasn’t done anything wrong. I’m learning that I have to express myself in a non-judgmental way so he doesn’t take what I’m saying as a jab at him but rather as me explaining what triggers me.
Today I was also very happy because G texted me this morning that he was excited to make love to me today out of the blue. This made me happy because when G was looking at porn a lot it made me feel like he wasn’t as into being intimate with me and it affected our sex life. March 4 was 4 months since his D-Day and even though he slipped up, he’s made a big effort to avoid things that can be triggering for him, and when he’s presented with triggers he has learned how to deal with them rather than just look at a bunch of porn. It makes me happy because when G was looking at a lot of porn it made me feel undesirable, unsexy, ugly, fat, etc., so it makes me happy to see him putting in more effort to be romantic and sexy. I’m happy because I know that even if he slips up that he has learned enough self control to not have porn binges again.
My triggers are my own and I have the ability to control them somewhat. I know I can choose to freak out or I can calmly discuss with G that I’m feeling triggered and need to talk. I’m happy that there’s been improvements to our sex life, because I was terrified of minor disruptions of our sex life again or of G continuing to use porn as a stress relief. I’ve learned to be more understanding of him. I understand that G’s porn problem was not my fault. He watched porn long before he even met me and it went from a hobby to a habit. In his interview he even mentioned it was necessary for him at some points for a day to feel normal. I understand that as I have triggers that he has triggers too. Certain words and images can trigger him and he usually would binge before he was even aware of it. It made him feel guilty around me because he didn’t wanna upset me. When I found out he looked at porn I used to cry and have panic attacks. It is still something very terrible for me and it is not something I could deal with if he wasn’t willing to change. I’m learning to be more approachable to him. When he last slipped 3 weeks ago he was honest about it with me when I asked, so I see that as a sign that things are improving.
It makes me happy because we grow as a couple every day. Blogging helps me grow confident with myself and to deal with things that have happened from the time I was a kid to the time I was an adult. It allows me to communicate better with my partner and allows him to see in my heart and understand that even if he doesn’t always agree with my views, that they are real, valid and deserve to be respected. I understand minor slip ups as long as they don’t lead to G binging with porn of porn stars or everyday women posting pictures. If there’s a news story that mentions nudity/sex and he looks up the picture I won’t be too thrilled but I will be happy he’s honest and we will try to find ways to help G not give in to temptations. It’s difficult but we get stronger everyday. ❤
Edit – I also wanted to add that I’m learning to love myself and find myself beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, etc., both inside and out. I know I’m worthy of respect and love from those around me. For a long time I tried to justify things that have happened to me but I know that bad things just happen sometimes. I love and respect myself to know what I deserve. I know that if I want my relationship to be porn free that I deserve that, and any less is disrespectful to me. But I also respect that it takes time to break a habit and that G’s progress is substantial and I love him so much for doing this for me. It truly means a lot to me that he is willing to at least try and that we are making progress. ❣️