I wanted to share a post that everyone can read, but is especially dedicated to Shawn, aka G. Using Shawn instead of G makes this post much more personable and powerful for me writing it. Shawn has 1,085 days of sobriety from hard drugs and 185 days of sobriety from pornography. It makes me happy to be able to write these dates down. I have a great memory with dates and Shawn prefers to not focus on the date but rather the action of sobriety itself.
June 20, 2014 was when Shawn decided to change his life and get clean from hard drugs. He went to rehab for about a month, and when he came back he disconnected from his friends, and focused on working out twice a day, going to church and AA/NA meetings, and spending time with his family. June 20, 2017 will be three years since he decided to change his life. Shawn will graduate with an Associate’s Degree in Liberal Arts after taking four years off between high school and college. He has done a wonderful job reconnecting with his family and forming friendships at school, work and reconnecting with sober friends. It makes me especially happy because I’ve been there to see the progress at his one year, two year and soon to be three year marker.
Shawn is also at the 185 day mark since D-Day. I know probably some of you reading this roll your eyes when you hear things like “porn addiction,” because you don’t believe it’s possible to be addicted to porn. You think it’s normal for men to look at it, and that it is a woman’s problem if she takes her partner’s porn habit too seriously. Many of you reading may be a porn watcher or may be dating a porn watcher. It may not impact your relationship. It may not bother you if your partner watches porn, your partner may have easily quit porn or your partner never watches it so it’s not an issue. In my relationship porn was an issue.
Addictive personality disorder affects 1 in 10 Americans, so a majority of people will not face addictions. For people like Shawn, addictions manifest because of stress, anxiety, depression and wanting a release from everyday life. Many people cycle between addictions; drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, food, cigarettes. Porn itself isn’t the problem, but rather how a person uses porn to get a fix. People like Shawn and other addicts I know are exposed to sexual and violent materials at a young age, so it causes them to require more of a fix (dopamine) to get a rush from what they’re watching. Basic things in life stop being enjoyable: a nice horror film isn’t scary because you’ve seen real mutilations, a love scene in a movie isn’t beautiful because you’ve seen thousands of porn flicks, and basic things that make you happy can’t make you happy anymore. Isn’t that sad? Over time we’re all becoming numb to life because we’re exposed to things when we’re young. Our innocence is taken from us.
Porn ties into a primitive need for sex that we all have, but resonates more with men because men are solely visually stimulated, while women are visually and auditorally stimulated. Men get exposed at young ages and it’s what gets them through rough patches. Porn and your hand become your first girlfriend. You can feel like a big rap superstar being exposed to thousands of different women at the click of your mouse. Everything is all perfect until you meet a real girl, and that real girl doesn’t like porn. No, it’s not because she’s fat or ugly. She is beautiful, sexy and stunning. When you realize your real girl doesn’t like it, you say you’ll quit and you likely have those intentions. But when you realize how automatic it is it’s hard to quit on your own. You have problems getting an erection or finishing during sex, and your girlfriend knows why. She snoops through your phone/computer and finds porn/cleared history. You know it hurts her but you can’t admit you have a problem because it hurts your pride. Eventually you get tired of hurting her and really make an effort but things are still potential triggers. Your girlfriend cries almost every night because she feels she can’t compete with your spank bank of photoshopped beauties. She doesn’t feel beautiful, sexy or stunning, none of what you tell her changes that she knows what you’re doing.
Over 90% of American women are insecure with their bodies-this includes supermodels, actresses, even porn stars! The way you can truly raise a woman’s confidence is meaning what you say and saying what you mean, and that includes matching your words to your actions. Perusing the internet for fantasy babes and looking at women in your everyday life like they’re hunks of meat don’t make your girlfriend feel special. She senses that you are browsing the menu more than you should. She doesn’t look at other men like that, doesn’t look at naked fantasy hunks and doesn’t make you feel emasculated. You make her feel defeminized. Part of what makes a woman feel beautiful and feminine is knowing her man has eyes for just her. Just because porn is part of our pop culture doesn’t mean it’s okay. Isis is part of our culture and doesn’t seem to have signs of letting up-does that mean Isis is okay and we should just accept it? No, we need to fight back
Shawn is making more progress every day and he is attempting to resist advertisements and porn, even when our society forces it on him because he’s a male. There are women who enjoy pornography and genuinely don’t mind their partners using it. That is great and clearly shows you’re in the 10% of women who don’t have self confidence issues. Guys, learn to love your girls and just your girls. Don’t let fantasy people cloud your mind. Even though you’re conditioned to not associate fantasy people with your girl, that’s not how she sees it. Isn’t her opinion and how she sees herself as compared to fantasy babes more important than fantasy babes? Even though you’re not comparing her to them, she is.
We all need love and we all need to give love. ❤️ Lots of love for men struggling with this and who want help, men who struggle and don’t want help, and for all the ladies out there who care or don’t care. ❤️