Why I Know I Haven’t Healed Yet.

There are days that I feel great and like I’ve overcome things that have happened in the past, and that I know I’m okay. But then there are other days that show me that I still have a lot of progress to make, and that I’m not okay.

Things trigger me still and it makes me sad, because I feel I will never feel 100% confident or beautiful. I want to be but it’s hard. Whenever I see a woman that I feel is more beautiful/sexy/hot than me it crushes me inside because it reminds me of the troubles I’ve faced in my relationship due to porn. I still get scared that if Shawn sees a hot woman he’ll want to see her naked. It gives me immense anxiety and it hurts me deep down. Shawn has made lots of progress but I’m still scared deep down.

Today Shawn’s father asked him to look up a certain female celebrity and even though Shawn didn’t say anything disrespectful it was still triggering to me. Not knowing his thoughts is what scares me. Not knowing if he will be tempted to relapse scares me. It makes me feel ugly and plain because I know I can’t compete with these women. I can’t compete with women with perfect faces and bodies who don’t have to age. It makes me sad because I know that I will never be like that and can’t change the fact that he’s seen thousands of women naked. That anxiety will likely not disappear completely but I’m trying hard to combat it. Even now typing this gives me immense anxiety. I feel sad and just know there will be people out there that will tempt Shawn, both in person and online. 

I still get anxious in public sometimes when I see women in tight clothing (shirts and yoga pants), and I just don’t know what to do. It is pitiful and laughable. I have a nice figure myself and know that I am good looking, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can really make progress any more. I don’t wanna talk to people about my deep down feelings cuz they make fun of me and make me feel like I’m dumb and insecure for how I feel. But people don’t take responsibility for their actions that make people feel insecure in the first place. I despise porn and other women now, especially those who i deem to look better than me. I know that someday Shawn may be tempted again. I know that deep down he feels it’s not as big of a deal as I feel it is. Deep down it kills me and makes me afraid of people. Deep down I try to be as sexy as possible and initiate intimacy as much as possible so he won’t wanna look at other women. But I know that sexuality isn’t always about sex, but boredom and curiosity too. I worry what will happen someday when I get old, wrinkly and fat. I know eventually I won’t look like the hot young woman I am now, and that Shawn could potentially get bored with me.

It is a horrible feeling and I wish there was more support for women like me. We get blamed and called insecure for our feelings. And to me that is sad. Some men make us feel insecure cuz they can’t just be happy with one woman, they instigate this mentality that as long as you’re physically faithful that’s enough, but it’s not. Being faithful is mind, body and soul. Some men want to shop around and look at other women naked and convince themselves they’re not cheating cuz it’s just pictures. But it’s cheating when you have to lie about it and hide it from your spouse. If it’s not a big deal why hide it? Why lie? Why say it’s no big deal? Because it is, and because you know your girl has a right to be upset. Men won’t fully understand because most men aren’t in that position, because they like pot themselves. But if they hated it and their wives looked at it they wouldn’t like it deep down.

I don’t know if I will ever be 100% confident or recovered. I don’t feel there’s anyone that can really help me. I know that even though my love and trust for Shawn continues to climb, that I will still have triggers and feel anxious. It’s sad because I know I don’t have control over other women’s looks, but it hurts. It hurts if I see someone in public when I’m with Shawn that is more attractive than me because if I notice he glances at her then I don’t know what he’s thinking, and if it may trigger him. I hate going in public sometimes, I hate porn and nudity, and I hate other women for not caring that they may cause my man to have impure thoughts. I wish that we lived in a world where people dressed modestly and where people didn’t make porn or do things to trigger people.

Hopefully someday my blogging will help me and help someone else. I just feel lost sometimes and don’t know what to do. 

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