There once was a little girl who more than anything else to have real friends, be popular and be successful at everything she tried. But she didn’t have real friends, wasn’t popular and wasn’t good at many things. To make matters worse, in an attempt to make things better, her family made things worse. They made her invite people she barely knew to birthday parties so she could make friends, but it backfired. People began calling her a freak and a loser, and no one wanted to be her friend now.
She would write journals articulating her feelings about certain people who bullied her at school, and they found the journal and bullied her more. There were times where for most of the school year she would sit alone, hoping to not have to deal with anymore mean people. Her family would inquire as to why she didn’t have many friends but she didn’t know what to say.
Soon she met a boy and fell in love. The boy was her polar opposite. They were like fire and water. But they completed one another. Sometimes the boy would say hurtful things when he was angry and he would apologize. The girl didn’t want to do anything to upset the boy, and tried her best to not do anything she knew would upset the boy. She just wanted to please the boy and wanted him to love her. She didn’t mean any harm and didn’t mean to upset him.
Slowly but surely the girl slipped into the darkness, unsure of where she was going and if she would find her way out. She wanted someone to save her and to understand her. She wanted someone to make her feel like her life mattered. Because of the boy’s love, she felt like she mattered. But when she upset the boy, it made her feel like she didn’t matter.
The girl always felt like an ugly duckling among beautiful swans. She was always insecure and whenever she would make progress on being more secure it would shatter into millions of pieces. Whether it was porn, more beautiful women or bullies, many things caused her self esteem to decay. Porn ruined how she saw herself sexually and made her want to have sex all the time in order to feel that she serves a purpose and is better than a porn star. More beautiful women caused her to not feel so beautiful, especially when she knew that people found them attractive over her. And bullies caused her to become soft and quiet, and made her avoid confrontation.
It’s not the boy’s fault the girl is how she is. But her insecurities along with the boy not initially understanding the insecurities caused the girl to be hypersensitive and scared. The girl is scared that if she’s not intimate with the boy then he won’t be happy and it could trigger him to feed into his porn addiction. The girl is scared that if the boy sees a provocative woman or a naked woman on television that it will trigger him. The girl is most of all scared that deep down, she’s undeserving of the boy. That there are more beautiful women who are laid back and would allow the boy to spread his wings and fly away. The girl is uptight and wants the boy to always stay at her, so her wings can open and she can fly away.
The girl lives at home and sometimes cries herself to sleep. She hates being controlled by her family. She hates struggling to find a job. She hates not feeling good enough for anybody. She feels like she is being fed on by the darkness. She knows it’s ultimately her job to save herself but she wants the boy to help her.
She panics so much about minute things because of how much she’s been hurt and how she’s always had to do what everyone else wanted. She wants people to do what she wants. She’s scared that the boy will start getting bored and will be triggered to look at naked women. Even if it’s a childhood habit that has nothing to do with her, she hates it. She hates seeing breasts because she knows it will catch the boy’s attention. She wishes that the world was more wholesome so that way the boy and the rest of the world wouldn’t struggle with pornography. She is hypersensitive about intimacy because it’s been ingrained in her for so long that men should have sex daily and that porn means you aren’t taking care of his needs. Because if a guy is getting plenty of sex he shouldn’t even have to think about sex/porn, right?
The girl is afraid that she will let the boy down and that he will realize that she’s weak and that he will slowly pull away from her. Small circles give us hope, but most of the world is dark and gloomy. Most of the world doesn’t care about your feelings and is quick to throw people out who are different. People don’t try to understand insecurities and throw shade at them when a person has the right to feel upset by something. The girl is submerged in darkness and isn’t sure if she can keep going. She wishes that she could stop being a disappointment and that people would be nice to her. People don’t realize that their actions constantly nudge her in the battle of to be or not to be.
The night caused her to fall asleep in a restless slumber. But she should be happy because she has a job, family, a boyfriend, school and a future. But she’s plagued by fears, triggers and feelings of inferiority. She wants to give up and throw in the towel. But is that the right move?