An Open Letter to Shawn

I wanted to write an open letter to Shawn as part of my own self-healing and therapy. I wanted to share it with you all in order to help those of you who are healing in one way or another. Open letters are a great way of healing and I recommend it if you want to get something of your chest and help others.

Dear Shawn,

Hello baby, how are you? I’m writing you another letter because I want to express my  feelings to you in the best way I know how. These past two years have been the best in my life and I’m so beyond happy with you. I knew from the moment I met you that I would love you forever. 

I know my moods aren’t always stable, but I’m trying hard. I’ve had a lot of shit thrown at me and I’m trying my best to not totally shut down. I’m trying my best to be strong. I know someday I will be where I want to be. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me and I don’t want to push you away. 

I am recovering over time, but I still have some trauma due to pornography. I know you do your best to understand me and why it hurts me, but I know you still don’t think it’s as big of a deal as I do, and deep down it bothers me. There’s been many nights where I’ve cried myself to sleep when I saw that you looked at porn. My heart was broken many times when I’d ask how you were doing and you said you were doing great; I’d think it was a lie but I wanted to trust you. When I’d find out you lied about how you were doing it hurt so badly. Not even so much about the porn, but because you felt you couldn’t be honest with me. I’m sorry that I made you feel you couldn’t be honest with me, I shouldn’t have freaked out at you. 

I remember that one time I saw that you had looked up “world’s most beautiful women,” and that crushed me because I thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world to you. It made me feel so self conscious. I still can recall all the searches I’ve seen and images of women with better bodies and faces than me in my mind. It made me cry so many times and it’s why I wouldn’t face you because I didn’t want you to see me crying. 

It hurt me because I’d never do that to you. I wouldn’t look up the sexiest/hottest guys because I know that would hurt you, and I wouldn’t look at porn because I don’t wanna see anybody naked but you. And maybe it’s because I lost my virginity to you, but I don’t wanna see naked women/men besides you, because it makes me feel less faithful to you. 

It makes me happy when your dad/brothers/friends ask you if you think someone is hot and you say you only think I am. The other day when we watched “The Trailer Park Boys Movie,” seeing women naked bothered me but I didn’t want to upset you. I remember that dumb movie your dad showed us with the princess who allowed the secret agent to do anal sex with her for rescuing her. Men think it’s funny but it just makes women feel insecure. Men will always look at a naked woman even if she’s ugly. It’s what I tell myself to feel better. I’ll admit it even bothered me when our friend showed you that picture of his girlfriend’s bum after he slapped it. I know I look better than her and have a better body, but it made me feel uncomfortable for me and for her because I know I wouldn’t want you showing pictures of me to other people. When people have shown me pictures of naked men I looked away because it felt wrong to me. 

I’ll admit even now that I still worry sometimes if you kept your promise. I’m not as anxious about it, I’d say once a week or so I think about it. I just recall all the times I’ve cried and wanted to just kill myself with alcohol/pills because of how painful it felt. People may think it’s crazy but that’s how painful it feels. When you love somebody so much that you don’t feel the need to look at anyone else naked or check out strangers walking, it hurts when your partner does. 

I worry if you get bored sometimes and check out websites you used to check out. I recall our conversations when you’d ask me if I knew porn wasn’t cheating and that it wasn’t a big deal because there’s worse things that could be done, but it is something that personally makes me feel uncomfortable and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I only realized this when I got together with you, I didn’t know that I would have this sort of reaction or be this clingy. I just love you and want to be everything you want and need, and I’ll admit I’m just insecure because I worry that someone else will grab your attention and be special. 

I’m proud of you and continue to pray for you. I pray when we’re at church that we’ll become stronger as a couple and that we will continue moving forward on a pure path. I am sorry that I still talk about this, I just am trying my best to recover and I think pouring all my feelings out to you will help me. I pray I will continue to feel better about myself and to know that you won’t leave me or get bored of me. I’m just scared because we live in a world where it’s so easy to meet people and I know that realistically there are many people out there good for us, and I worry about mistakes I make that would cause you to want to leave me. 

I just stress out because I’m not used to being in a relationship and all these feelings are new to me. I’m not used to feeling jealous or insecure or caring about my appearance. I just want you to know through everything that I love you and I’m sorry for anything I do wrong that upsets you, I just do my best to keep you happy and I just enjoy your company. I love you baby. ❤️

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