Lately I’ve been stuck in a funk. It’s been difficult finding a job and I have plans for my future that require more money, so I panic that I won’t be able to accomplish my goals. I want to save up money so Shawn and I can move out and have our own little apartment. We want to be able to do all the things we want to without having to worry about other people.
Being on birth control and medication is hard too sometimes, because it messes with my hormones and makes me very emotional and lately any sort of wise crack is enough to make me upset. I’ve never been good with dealing with my emotions because of being bullied and because other than bullying I’ve had a fairly smooth life. When something upsets me I just shut down and I know it’s not okay. I inadvertently give Shawn the silent treatment because I get stuck in my own world trying to calm myself down. I know Shawn doesn’t deserve it cuz he doesn’t do anything wrong. I just get frustrated and when I try not to start problems I end up starting them. I just frustrated sometimes because it’s hard to be intimate at times because Shawn has three siblings and parents who often need help. I get frustrated because intimacy is something new to me, and because I’ve been taught it’s something important for men so I feel when we’re not intimate I’m failing him.
I also get disappointed because I still have ptsd/triggers in regards to women/porn. Shawn has been wonderful these past few months with being more patient and supportive and he’s reassured me he hasn’t had a relapse in over 6 months! I’m learning his triggers are different than mine. His triggers are mostly boredom/curiosity and mine are pretty much any provocative looking woman. I get scared of naked women or stories about naked women still, but I’m doing better by talking to Shawn about my concerns. Sometimes he gets frustrated cuz he takes my concerns as me feeling he’s not trying or that his efforts aren’t making a difference. I’m learning to talk about concerns I have instead of internalizing them.
Goals I have for myself are to deal with stress better, not having freak outs if things don’t go how I want them to, and to get better at talking about my feelings. I know Shawn is under a lot of stress too, and that he doesn’t mean to get angry or freak out at me. I know he just wants me to express my feelings. I know he finds me beautiful and sexy and that I don’t have to prove it through intimacy, but it’s hard to get out of that habit when for 20 years you’ve been told that men want it every day and that if they don’t have it then they won’t be happy. I’m learning men don’t necessarily require it that much.
I’m also learning you have to express yourself because it’s not healthy to hold things in, even if you want to prevent fights. If something is bothering you it’s better to just say it. Also, things aren’t always gonna go your way, especially if you live at home with your parents/siblings. It’s hard to always eat what you want and do what you want.
Deep down I’m just terrified of being alone and losing Shawn because he’s my best friend and he’s so special. These past two years I’ve been so happy. He’s my first boyfriend, and all I wanna do is be with him all the time and be holding him. I realize that we have responsibilities and sometimes we have to put others first before we accomplish what we want to. I guess I’m still traumatized by Shawn’s previous porn habit so I get skittish easily and I worry about slip ups happening, but I’m relaxing more the less I think about it and the more I focus on talking and expressing myself. It’s really important. I know for a lot of women we just wanna internalize it but it’s not healthy, they need to know that we’re in pain and need help coping. What helps me is knowing it’s not an important part of his life anymore and knowing that he’s trying.
I know I won’t be stressed out as much when I get a new job. I graduate college on Sunday so that frees me from one responsibility. I know that when I have a stable, easier job and can plan my day better I will be happier. I love you Shawn and I’m sorry I’m not always the best girlfriend towards you. I internalize a lot, freak out, have borderline psychotic tendencies and I’ve caused you a lot of trouble. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong but I’m trying to fix it. I don’t wanna hurt you, I just want to love you and be with you forever. I don’t wanna lose you so I squeeze too tight. I’m scared of you getting bored with me or wanting to leave me, and I’m slowly getting over that fear. I just get scared when you say things need to change or else we may not work cuz I don’t wanna fail you. I’m clumsy and do stuff that annoys you, and I just get scared cuz I don’t know why I’m so clumsy and why I make so many mistakes. I don’t want to. I just wanna make you proud. I love you and I’m going to try harder.