Personal Goals for Myself

Lately I’ve been stuck in a funk. It’s been difficult finding a job and I have plans for my future that require more money, so I panic that I won’t be able to accomplish my goals. I want to save up money so Shawn and I can move out and have our own little apartment. We want to be able to do all the things we want to without having to worry about other people.

Being on birth control and medication is hard too sometimes, because it messes with my hormones and makes me very emotional and lately any sort of wise crack is enough to make me upset. I’ve never been good with dealing with my emotions because of being bullied and because other than bullying I’ve had a fairly smooth life. When something upsets me I just shut down and I know it’s not okay.  I inadvertently give Shawn the silent treatment because I get stuck in my own world trying to calm myself down. I know Shawn doesn’t deserve it cuz he doesn’t do anything wrong. I just get frustrated and when I try not to start problems I end up starting them. I just frustrated sometimes because it’s hard to be intimate at times because Shawn has three siblings and parents who often need help. I get frustrated because intimacy is something new to me, and because I’ve been taught it’s something important for men so I feel when we’re not intimate I’m failing him.

I also get disappointed because I still have ptsd/triggers in regards to women/porn. Shawn has been wonderful these past few months with being more patient and supportive and he’s reassured me he hasn’t had a relapse in over 6 months! I’m learning his triggers are different than mine. His triggers are mostly boredom/curiosity and mine are pretty much any provocative looking woman. I get scared of naked women or stories about naked women still, but I’m doing better by talking to Shawn about my concerns. Sometimes he gets frustrated cuz he takes my concerns as me feeling he’s not trying or that his efforts aren’t making a difference. I’m learning to talk about concerns I have instead of internalizing them. 

Goals I have for myself are to deal with stress better, not having freak outs if things don’t go how I want them to, and to get better at talking about my feelings. I know Shawn is under a lot of stress too, and that he doesn’t mean to get angry or freak out at me. I know he just wants me to express my feelings. I know he finds me beautiful and sexy and that I don’t have to prove it through intimacy, but it’s hard to get out of that habit when for 20 years you’ve been told that men want it every day and that if they don’t have it then they won’t be happy. I’m learning men don’t necessarily require it that much. 

I’m also learning you have to express yourself because it’s not healthy to hold things in, even if you want to prevent fights. If something is bothering you it’s better to just say it. Also, things aren’t always gonna go your way, especially if you live at home with your parents/siblings. It’s hard to always eat what you want and do what you want. 

Deep down I’m just terrified of being alone and losing Shawn because he’s my best friend and he’s so special. These past two years I’ve been so happy. He’s my first boyfriend, and all I wanna do is be with him all the time and be holding him. I realize that we have responsibilities and sometimes we have to put others first before we accomplish what we want to. I guess I’m still traumatized by Shawn’s previous porn habit so I get skittish easily and I worry about slip ups happening, but I’m relaxing more the less I think about it and the more I focus on talking and expressing myself. It’s really important. I know for a lot of women we just wanna internalize it but it’s not healthy, they need to know that we’re in pain and need help coping. What helps me is knowing it’s not an important part of his life anymore and knowing that he’s trying. 

I know I won’t be stressed out as much when I get a new job. I graduate college on Sunday so that frees me from one responsibility. I know that when I have a stable, easier job and can plan my day better I will be happier. I love you Shawn and I’m sorry I’m not always the best girlfriend towards you. I internalize a lot, freak out, have borderline psychotic tendencies and I’ve caused you a lot of trouble. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong but I’m trying to fix it. I don’t wanna hurt you, I just want to love you and be with you forever. I don’t wanna lose you so I squeeze too tight. I’m scared of you getting bored with me or wanting to leave me, and I’m slowly getting over that fear. I just get scared when you say things need to change or else we may not work cuz I don’t wanna fail you. I’m clumsy and do stuff that annoys you, and I just get scared cuz I don’t know why I’m so clumsy and why I make so many mistakes. I don’t want to. I just wanna make you proud. I love you and I’m going to try harder.

Why I Know I Haven’t Healed Yet.

There are days that I feel great and like I’ve overcome things that have happened in the past, and that I know I’m okay. But then there are other days that show me that I still have a lot of progress to make, and that I’m not okay.

Things trigger me still and it makes me sad, because I feel I will never feel 100% confident or beautiful. I want to be but it’s hard. Whenever I see a woman that I feel is more beautiful/sexy/hot than me it crushes me inside because it reminds me of the troubles I’ve faced in my relationship due to porn. I still get scared that if Shawn sees a hot woman he’ll want to see her naked. It gives me immense anxiety and it hurts me deep down. Shawn has made lots of progress but I’m still scared deep down.

Today Shawn’s father asked him to look up a certain female celebrity and even though Shawn didn’t say anything disrespectful it was still triggering to me. Not knowing his thoughts is what scares me. Not knowing if he will be tempted to relapse scares me. It makes me feel ugly and plain because I know I can’t compete with these women. I can’t compete with women with perfect faces and bodies who don’t have to age. It makes me sad because I know that I will never be like that and can’t change the fact that he’s seen thousands of women naked. That anxiety will likely not disappear completely but I’m trying hard to combat it. Even now typing this gives me immense anxiety. I feel sad and just know there will be people out there that will tempt Shawn, both in person and online. 

I still get anxious in public sometimes when I see women in tight clothing (shirts and yoga pants), and I just don’t know what to do. It is pitiful and laughable. I have a nice figure myself and know that I am good looking, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can really make progress any more. I don’t wanna talk to people about my deep down feelings cuz they make fun of me and make me feel like I’m dumb and insecure for how I feel. But people don’t take responsibility for their actions that make people feel insecure in the first place. I despise porn and other women now, especially those who i deem to look better than me. I know that someday Shawn may be tempted again. I know that deep down he feels it’s not as big of a deal as I feel it is. Deep down it kills me and makes me afraid of people. Deep down I try to be as sexy as possible and initiate intimacy as much as possible so he won’t wanna look at other women. But I know that sexuality isn’t always about sex, but boredom and curiosity too. I worry what will happen someday when I get old, wrinkly and fat. I know eventually I won’t look like the hot young woman I am now, and that Shawn could potentially get bored with me.

It is a horrible feeling and I wish there was more support for women like me. We get blamed and called insecure for our feelings. And to me that is sad. Some men make us feel insecure cuz they can’t just be happy with one woman, they instigate this mentality that as long as you’re physically faithful that’s enough, but it’s not. Being faithful is mind, body and soul. Some men want to shop around and look at other women naked and convince themselves they’re not cheating cuz it’s just pictures. But it’s cheating when you have to lie about it and hide it from your spouse. If it’s not a big deal why hide it? Why lie? Why say it’s no big deal? Because it is, and because you know your girl has a right to be upset. Men won’t fully understand because most men aren’t in that position, because they like pot themselves. But if they hated it and their wives looked at it they wouldn’t like it deep down.

I don’t know if I will ever be 100% confident or recovered. I don’t feel there’s anyone that can really help me. I know that even though my love and trust for Shawn continues to climb, that I will still have triggers and feel anxious. It’s sad because I know I don’t have control over other women’s looks, but it hurts. It hurts if I see someone in public when I’m with Shawn that is more attractive than me because if I notice he glances at her then I don’t know what he’s thinking, and if it may trigger him. I hate going in public sometimes, I hate porn and nudity, and I hate other women for not caring that they may cause my man to have impure thoughts. I wish that we lived in a world where people dressed modestly and where people didn’t make porn or do things to trigger people.

Hopefully someday my blogging will help me and help someone else. I just feel lost sometimes and don’t know what to do. 

Shawn

I wanted to share a post that everyone can read, but is especially dedicated to Shawn, aka G. Using Shawn instead of G makes this post much more personable and powerful for me writing it. Shawn has 1,085 days of sobriety from hard drugs and 185 days of sobriety from pornography. It makes me happy to be able to write these dates down. I have a great memory with dates and Shawn prefers to not focus on the date but rather the action of sobriety itself.

June 20, 2014 was when Shawn decided to change his life and get clean from hard drugs. He went to rehab for about a month, and when he came back he disconnected from his friends, and focused on working out twice a day, going to church and AA/NA meetings, and spending time with his family. June 20, 2017 will be three years since he decided to change his life. Shawn will graduate with an Associate’s Degree in Liberal Arts after taking four years off between high school and college. He has done a wonderful job reconnecting with his family and forming friendships at school, work and reconnecting with sober friends. It makes me especially happy because I’ve been there to see the progress at his one year, two year and soon to be three year marker. 


Shawn is also at the 185 day mark since D-Day. I know probably some of you reading this roll your eyes when you hear things like “porn addiction,” because you don’t believe it’s possible to be addicted to porn. You think it’s normal for men to look at it, and that it is a woman’s problem if she takes her partner’s porn habit too seriously. Many of you reading may be a porn watcher or may be dating a porn watcher. It may not impact your relationship. It may not bother you if your partner watches porn, your partner may have easily quit porn or your partner never watches it so it’s not an issue. In my relationship porn was an issue.


Addictive personality disorder affects 1 in 10 Americans, so a majority of people will not face addictions. For people like Shawn, addictions manifest because of stress, anxiety, depression and wanting a release from everyday life. Many people cycle between addictions; drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, food, cigarettes. Porn itself isn’t the problem, but rather how a person uses porn to get a fix. People like Shawn and other addicts I know are exposed to sexual and violent materials at a young age, so it causes them to require more of a fix (dopamine) to get a rush from what they’re watching. Basic things in life stop being enjoyable: a nice horror film isn’t scary because you’ve seen real mutilations, a love scene in a movie isn’t beautiful because you’ve seen thousands of porn flicks, and basic things that make you happy can’t make you happy anymore. Isn’t that sad? Over time we’re all becoming numb to life because we’re exposed to things when we’re young. Our innocence is taken from us.

Porn ties into a primitive need for sex that we all have, but resonates more with men because men are solely visually stimulated, while women are visually and auditorally stimulated. Men get exposed at young ages and it’s what gets them through rough patches. Porn and your hand become your first girlfriend. You can feel like a big rap superstar being exposed to thousands of different women at the click of your mouse. Everything is all perfect until you meet a real girl, and that real girl doesn’t like porn. No, it’s not because she’s fat or ugly. She is beautiful, sexy and stunning. When you realize your real girl doesn’t like it, you say you’ll quit and you likely have those intentions. But when you realize how automatic it is it’s hard to quit on your own. You have problems getting an erection or finishing during sex, and your girlfriend knows why. She snoops through your phone/computer and finds porn/cleared history. You know it hurts her but you can’t admit you have a problem because it hurts your pride. Eventually you get tired of hurting her and really make an effort but things are still potential triggers. Your girlfriend cries almost every night because she feels she can’t compete with your spank bank of photoshopped beauties. She doesn’t feel beautiful, sexy or stunning, none of what you tell her changes that she knows what you’re doing.


Over 90% of American women are insecure with their bodies-this includes supermodels, actresses, even porn stars! The way you can truly raise a woman’s confidence is meaning what you say and saying what you mean, and that includes matching your words to your actions. Perusing the internet for fantasy babes and looking at women in your everyday life like they’re hunks of meat don’t make your girlfriend feel special. She senses that you are browsing the menu more than you should. She doesn’t look at other men like that, doesn’t look at naked fantasy hunks and doesn’t make you feel emasculated. You make her feel defeminized. Part of what makes a woman feel beautiful and feminine is knowing her man has eyes for just her. Just because porn is part of our pop culture doesn’t mean it’s okay. Isis is part of our culture and doesn’t seem to have signs of letting up-does that mean Isis is okay and we should just accept it? No, we need to fight back

Shawn is making more progress every day and he is attempting to resist advertisements and porn, even when our society forces it on him because he’s a male. There are women who enjoy pornography and genuinely don’t mind their partners using it. That is great and clearly shows you’re in the 10% of women who don’t have self confidence issues. Guys, learn to love your girls and just your girls. Don’t let fantasy people cloud your mind. Even though you’re conditioned to not associate fantasy people with your girl, that’s not how she sees it. Isn’t her opinion and how she sees herself as compared to fantasy babes more important than fantasy babes? Even though you’re not comparing her to them, she is. 

We all need love and we all need to give love. ❤️ Lots of love for men struggling with this and who want help, men who struggle and don’t want help, and for all the ladies out there who care or don’t care. ❤️

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

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Actions speak louder than words. This is something my mother always told me as a child, and it is something I firmly believe in. I haven’t posted on this blog in awhile, but wanted to post some of my feelings that I’ve had that resulted from my anti-pornography research and some discouraging comments I’ve received over the last few weeks.

I’ve inserted a video clip from Dr. Phil that really hit home with me and gave me a powerful reaction. It really resonated with me because this is how I felt when I found my partner was watching porn. People always assume that if you don’t like porn that you’re prude, ugly, fat, insecure. I believe that the woman in this clip is beautiful (many people even commented: “With a wife like that why is he watching porn?”) What is more baffling to me is that people ganged up on the wife saying her husband watched porn because she didn’t put out, but people didn’t realize that maybe she isn’t putting out because her husband makes her feel lousy about herself because of his anger and porn use. This really resonates with the idea that actions speak louder than words. Many times, the porn watcher in the relationship believes that watching porn is okay because they remind their partner that they are attractive and that they are loved. But for someone who is firmly against porn, this doesn’t make them feel better. They feel that if they’re so sexy, beautiful, gorgeous and a great lover, why is their partner looking at other naked women having sex? That is how I felt when my partner looked at porn regularly. It greatly affected my self -esteem and fueled my depression. If you saw me, you wouldn’t understand why I’d feel insecure. I’m curvy, have a lovely smile and I please my man thouroughly. There would be lots of times where I went to bed crying and telling myself that there’s no way I am truly beautiful and capable of solely capturing his attention. Porn addictions spiral from the classic porn videos/pictures to social media pages, everyday television choices, and into more extreme choices of porn (e.g., barely legal, bestiality, snuff, rape, etc.,) Many times men don’t notice that their choices of porn are becoming more extreme and that it is hurtful to their partner.

Jessica is a preacher’s daughter and was raped at a young age, and this led her to assume a porn career. She used porn and drugs to cope with the trauma that her rape caused her, and she wanted to feel like she could have control over her sexuality. She deeply regretted her porn career, and is dismayed that when she goes out that men recognize her. She revealed she tried committing suicide several times by taking pills and drinking almost every day. Once she quit the industry, she got her family and friends back, and made a healthy life for herself. Jessica reminds us that many of the women who join the porn industry do so in cases of sexual abuse, drug abuse, and/or being coerced by someone. Young women are especially vulnerable: 18-21 year old women are the most vulnerable category because they’re so young and do not have much life experience. Jessica’s rape at 21 caused her to want to focus on recapturing her own sexuality, and she didn’t think of her future. She will likely have trouble finding a professional job, a husband (she wants to have a husband and children), and she has lots of therapy ahead of her to learn to cope with the traumas of her rape and her time in the porn industry.

Randy Spears, also known as Greg Ory, moved to California in the 1980s to find work as an actor. When the infamous writers’ strike occurred, Greg couldn’t find work until a woman offered him money to do some nude work. Greg would go on to become the greatest, decorated male porn star of all-time. Following his retirement in 2015, Greg had an interview that revealed that he stayed in porn for a long time because of the vicious cycle that is involved with the adult film industry. “I had to go to work, to do the porn, so that I could buy the drugs, to bury the pain of doing the porn. So I’d go to work, and do the porn, so I could buy the drugs, to bury the pain. And around and around it went.” He also felt that he lost the ability to have a loving and caring relationship with a woman because porn caused him to see women as sex objects. Many times men don’t realize that they are sexualizing women unnecessarily. It is interesting to read about Mr. Spears’s experience in the porn industry, because many times the male porn actors have a more positive view of the industry. But Randy shows us that many times the actors become so immersed in their work and appear happy because of agents and the fact that they can’t find normal, civilian work. Porn is all acting: even Sasha Grey has stated she wouldn’t want to date a man who treated her like how she was treated when she did porn.

The final video I want to share with you is more of a happy ending for a young man who watched porn since he was 10. Until he met his future wife, his computer broke around Valentine’s Day every year. When he got married he thought his addiction was behind him, he clicked on a porn site and his addiction started up again. For the first year of his marriage, he’d go about 2 months porn free then he’d relapse, and this happened many times throughout this first year. His wife told him that his porn habit would eventually end their marriage. He would achieve his goal of going without porn and then he’d stop fighting. As he said in the video, the fight doesn’t stop when you get married. The fight against porn must continue everyday. He said his wife noticed a difference in him, and this resonates with me because I noticed a difference in my partner when he watched porn. I could sense he felt guilty about something, sometimes he would take his phone with him (I used to look through his phone trying to catch him and he knew this), and it affected our sex life. There would be times when we would be having sex when he couldn’t get hard consecutively (a few days in a row) or he couldn’t come a few days in a row. This used to hurt me so badly, because I knew that it was because of porn. Since has been almost 6 months porn free (May 5 will be 6 months, his longest period of being porn free yet!), we haven’t had those problems.

I don’t think that porn will ever be 100% eradicated due to the pornified culture we are living in, with celebrities like Kim Kardashian profiting off of it, and the fact that young girls that are freshly 18 are being recruited by men (such as in Hot Girls Wanted) because they grew up with porn! Millennials are the children of the porn generation, and many people feel porn looks fun, is an easy way to get money quickly, and that there are no consequences (For every Sasha Grey, there are thousands and thousands of women with short lived careers). For those who are successful with porn and rake in millions of dollars, they have no regrets because they made money and did not have to deal with the consequences of their actions directly. For women like Jessica and others who have short-lived careers, the assimilation into civilian society is not easy. If you try to find a job, all a potential employer has to do is Google your name and they can see your private parts. Many times retired porn actresses have trouble finding a partner that is not in porn. Many of them are abused in the industry and coerced into going out of their comfort zone because its “normal”. A lot of porn actors are estranged from their family and friends because of their career. People look at you as an object and not someone worthy of respect, because you didn’t conduct yourself that way. Most porn actors fall into Jessica’s category rather than Sasha Grey’s. Porn damages relationships when one partner is hurt by the other partner’s porn use. If you and your partner both enjoy porn, that is wonderful and more power to you. But there are people out there, like me, who are hurt when their partner looks at porn. We want our partners to love our bodies and just our bodies, to pleasure themselves with our bodies and just our bodies. We know that you cannot unsee what has been seen due to porn, but we want to help people who have been hurt due to porn rebuild relationships. 

Too Much

Sometimes life is too much. From an outside perspective it may seem like my life is all sunshine and roses, but it’s very stressful. Monday-Friday I’m doing a week of school and work. My job involves me working with disabled people who have hit me, obsessed over me and bullied me. I hate my job. School is also stressful. Two hard classes. I have to manage my time carefully. Weekends are my days off, but I have to rush around to do errands I have no time to do during the day week. I don’t make enough money at my job but I’m limited until I graduate in May. I’m excited to graduate and find a better paying job where I’m appreciated. I had an anxiety attack this morning because I’m overwhelmed with everything. I called out of work when I usually don’t just because I panicked about having to go to that hell for 7 hours. My boyfriend has no days off either so he’s stressed out. It makes me sad because I wish I could trade places with him so he had weekends off and I didn’t. I feel overwhelmed and I feel I won’t succeed. I’m swallowed by life’s vortex and feel I can’t breathe. I don’t wanna do so many things anymore but I know that when I have kids and get a big job it’ll be harder. But I find solace in the idea that my kids and job will appreciate my efforts. I feel very under appreciated. 

Two Years of Talking


April 5 marks two years since G and I started talking. I’m very happy because he is my first everything and even though we argue sometimes and disagree, my life would miss it’s heart and soul. ❤ I love you baby. 

The Great Yoga Pants Debate

Veronica Partridge shared an article on her Christian blog about why she chose to stop wearing yoga pants in order to better honor her husband. There were two major responses to the article: you go girl or I’m going to wear what I want! I was torn after reading this article because I wear yoga pants, but it bothers me if my boyfriend has lustful thoughts about other women. 

Some women supported Patridge’s message that men will look, but you can give them something less to look at. I’m from Massachusetts where many high schools have decided to ban yoga pants because they are distracting to male students and teachers. Partridge’s own husband said that it’s hard for him to not look at other women in yoga pants but he tries hard not to. I agree with her points that if you don’t want your husband to lust after other women you shouldn’t put yourself in a position for other men to lust after you. If I’m out by myself and I wear yoga pants I try to wear a baggy shirt so my bum isn’t exposed. Some states consider yoga pants to be “indecent exposure” and can give jail time. 

Meanwhile, other women fell in the camp of disagreeing because they want to wear what they want. Many men also support this opinion because they want to see women in yoga pants. Some women don’t wear underwear with their yoga pants. They feel that men are going to look whether they’re wearing a burlap sack or yoga pants so they want to at least look good if they’re getting leered at. I am someone who firmly believes in holding people accountable for their own actions. I think that the more men are excused for leering at women, the more that women will be blamed for men’s reactions. I think it is wrong to tell a young woman that she has to change because she’s a distraction, yet men expose their stomachs and underwear and aren’t punished.

Regardless of which camp you fall into, you have to admit it’s alarming when you’re shopping for yoga pants that pornographic images and websites come up. That shows that yoga pants are intended to have some sexual reaction from other people. It is alarming because so many young women are wearing yoga pants: many posts on websites are from willing women, but others are taken without victims’ consents. 

The Denver Channel talks about how schools across the nation are banning yoga pants but some states want them banned state-wide. Some argue that yoga pants are good for lazy folk who don’t want to change when they get home from the gym or want a quick outfit. Others argue they’re distracting and leave nothing to the imagination.
Reading these articles got me thinking that maybe I should reconsider wearing yoga pants if I want my boyfriend to not stare at women in yoga pants. I feel that I should be the respect in my partner that I want from him.