A Day Without Women

This post is in honor of International Women’s Day. You are all strong, beautiful and independent women. ❣️

Hello everyone. Today is International Women’s Day, a day which celebrates triumphs of women and which seeks to continue improving lives of women across the globe. A phenomenon which is part of this celebratory day is called A Day Without Women. This phenomenon suggests women wear red in solidarity, not spend money on big businesses and to stay at home whether paid or unpaid, because women do many jobs that are unpaid (e.g., being mothers). There has been lots of backlash towards this holiday and the Day Without Women phenomenon, because many people think that Feminism is pointless. 


Pardon the language in the above image, but I wanted to post this to display one reason why Feminism is still important. Many times when women try to express their feelings and gain validation of their feelings, they’re given comments such as the ones above. Women are often criticized for crying, getting angry or expressing opinions that are not popular, and are put down when they want to express themselves. If a man expresses himself with passionate feelings he’s respected, but if a woman expresses herself with passionate feelings she’s often accused of being on her period. 

I live in the United States and many people say that women are equal citizens so Feminism isn’t neccesary. There are many things wrong with that statement. Affinity Magazine posted an article last month about Feminism. Although the United States is one of the best places to live if you’re a female, there are many issues going on that many people don’t seem to care about. Listed below are some summaries of this article.

President Donald Trump openly made comments that were degrading towards women and those were dismissed by many people. “Like a girl” is an expression still used to imply weakness (e.g., throwing a baseball “like a girl”). Brock Turner, a young man who raped an unconscious woman, served 3 months out of his 6 month jail sentence just because he’s privileged. Female hygiene (e.g., douching) is seen as disgusting, women are expected to be fully shaven and jokes are made about natural bodily processes such as queefing. Women are made to feel ashamed about their periods even though they’re natural, involuntary and the pain that comes from periods help women to deliver children. Tampons and other feminine products were taxed 5% until 2016, and this says that basic women products should be taxed but condoms shouldn’t. Abortion is still debated and in countries like Ireland is still wholly illegal. 

“Keep Ya Head Up,” by 2Pac has some interesting lyrics. 2Pac wasn’t wholly what I’d call a feminist: he said “I love women, but I hate bitches even more. They make it bad for real women. They make it so when I meet a real woman she’s scared of me because this bitch says I raped her. Women don’t like bitches. I’m a man’s man, I attack suckers whoever they are.” 

“I give a holla to my sisters on welfare

2Pac cares, if don’t nobody else care

And, I know they like to beat you down a lot

When you come around the block, brothers clown a lot

But please don’t cry, dry your eyes, never let up

Forgive but don’t forget, girl, keep your head up

And when he tells you you ain’t nothin’, don’t believe him

And if he can’t learn to love you, you should leave him

Cause sister, you don’t need him

And I ain’t tryin’ to gas ya up, I just call ’em how I see ’em

You know what makes me unhappy

When brothers make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy

And since we all came from a woman

Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman

I wonder why we take from our women

Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?

I think it’s time to kill for our women

Time to heal our women, be real to our women

And if we don’t we’ll have a race of babies

That will hate the ladies that make the babies

And since a man can’t make one

He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one

So will the real men get up

I know you’re fed up ladies, but keep your head up.”

Mr. Shakur in my opinion is a feminist. I believe that even though songs like “How Do U Want It?” are sexual and seem to demean women, I believe that 2Pac is suggesting that some women give a bad name to all women. A lot of women want respect, want the ability to wear what they like, to make the same as men, and to be able to express themselves. 

Elephant Journal tells us about how 1/4 women will be raped in Canada, how women are made to feel ashamed about their bodies by being told to cover up, etc. It also addresses that there are issues faced by men, such as being criticized for expressing their emotions and being raped, but that men who experience either are labeled a sissy or feminine. It is why it is important to fight back against the patriarchy because there are issues that both men and women face today. Regardless if you’re part of a developed nation or a developing nation, there are issues that plague women. Obviously if you live in a Middle Eastern country your issues are different versus if you live in the United States. Being beaten for having sex outside of marriage is different than being criticized for wearing suggestive clothing, but both are issues that women face.

Why we need Feminism is because people like my parents and friends laugh at the idea of an International Women’s Day. My dad laughed and asked if I took the day off. My friend said there should be a Men’s Day and women need to stop complaining. We need Feminism because women are looked down upon when they express feelings and are looked at as weak. “Feelings” aren’t important to many people. We need Feminism because we live in a world where it’s ok for men to look at porn but it’s not ok for women to breast feed. We need Feminism because we live in a world where a woman is often judged by her looks rather than her competency, especially for secretarial jobs. 

G

This post is dedicated to my love, G. Thank you for always being amazing ❣️

I mention him in almost every post on my blogs, so I figured I would write about G in this blog post. Tell you more about us and our history together.

It all started in August 2014. He just got a job at the coffee shop I worked at. I saw him here and there at work, but we didn’t work the same shift so we didn’t see each other much. By November, my shift lead was fired and G was chosen to replace her. I was upset because I felt that I deserved the position based on my time working at the coffee shop and the fact that I was trained over a year ago to take the position. G was friendly to me, despite the fact that I initially was cold towards him for getting the promotion I wanted. He vowed that he would get me promoted some day. People told me that before so I didn’t take it seriously.

Fast forward to February 2015. The Patriots won the Super Bowl. During the Super Bowl, G had given me updates about the game the whole time. We no longer worked together, but he got me promoted. We became friends during our few months working together. After his friend passed away, I saw a more vulnerable side of him and it made me want to be his friend. He encouraged me to be my best self and made me excited to wake up everyday because I knew he’d text me “Good morning.” 

By April 2015, it was clear that we weren’t just friends. We were spending more time together and I was falling for him. One of my supervisors had been bullying me and making me miserable at work. On April 4, 2015 it was especially bad. She made me cry and I was beginning to break. G and two of our friends visited me because they knew I was having a rough day, but my supervisor made them leave. Later on that night G was hinting to me that he wanted to date me, but I was so confused. I was afraid of getting in trouble at work, but that night made everything click. He hugged me so tight when he came back to see me, and I knew then I wanted to give him a chance.

He took me on a date, we spent more time together, and he even gave me my first kiss in over 10 years. On April 21, 2015 I agreed to be his girlfriend. Almost two years later, we’re stronger than ever. We’ve grown so much since then, we’re almost ready to be on our own, and we get through everything together. There’s been bumps along the way but we don’t let them stop us.


G was my first everything basically, so it’s been a long road. I feel badly sometimes because I still make mistakes. I admit I’m a very clingy girlfriend. Even though I try to stop myself from doing it I catch myself glancing at the screen when he’s on his phone. I get nervous to speak up when something bothers me because I’m afraid of pushing him away. I freak out over too many things. He gives up opportunities to study at a farther away school, to make more money by getting a second job, etc., for me. He deals with my insecurities. He always apologizes when he makes a mistake. I’m hard on myself a lot, but I try to tell myself if he wasn’t happy with me he wouldn’t be with me.

I worry about being a broken soul and repairing my wounds. Stiching myself back together piece by piece is tough. Sometimes G can’t rationalize why I’m feeling a certain way so it causes tension. I wish I wasn’t how I am but I accept how I am.  4 months after G’s last major relapse with porn, it’s been an eye opening experience and I think we’ve both learned a lot. He has been more honest and I’ve been more open to talking. He slipped up about two weeks ago and was honest with me, a huge victory in my opinion. I’ve been working on changing how I react so I am more approachable. I understand he’s not perfect but just want effort. To me an effort is knowing triggers, websites with triggers, and when confronted with a trigger after trying to avoid them to do the best he can to not slip. And if he does slip at least be honest if I ask. And he’s been doing that. I still worry, and it shows by me peeking over his shoulder sometimes when he’s doing something on his phone. I get scared of going back to the times when he looked at porn a lot and when our sex life was negatively affected. I get scared of him changing his mind and saying it’s not a big deal so he’s going to do it. But I try to tell myself that he loves me and that he’s doing his best.

I try to pray a lot for us individually and us together. Next summer we’re going to have our own apartment, full-time jobs, finishing up with our degrees online, and we have to pay bills while putting away money. Life is stressful. G has a hectic home life, has no days off between work and school, deals with my crazy self everyday, and tries to help those in his life. I work a stressful job, am finishing my senior year, and G really is my one and only close friend. I know God rewards us for our efforts by giving us little things to enjoy. Next month we’re going to Dallas, Texas with his family, as well as celebrating our two year anniversary. I believe God is helping us along our journey.

June will also be 3 years sobriety for G from hard drugs. I’m very proud of him. I know when he truly wants something he works hard to obtain it. August will be 2 years since he bought a pack of cigarettes. May will be 6 months since his D-Day with porn, and besides minor slip ups he’s been doing great. Like Paul McCartney once said sometimes you have to “Let it Be,” and have faith in people. I try to have faith in G and when I get anxious I just pray. I pray to God that He helps G and I conquer any troubles that come our way, I pray for forgiveness on both ends and I try to pray we become better for each other every day. ❤

Big Brother is Watching


Hello everyone! I will be making two posts today. The first one is on security and educating people about the Internet. Have you ever wondered what was up with the ads online that seem to know you very well? Well they do! Ads are generated based on search history, both directly and indirectly, what you watch online, etc. What I mean by directly and indirectly is that ads can be generated in different ways. Directly means that you directly search something and an ad is generated. An example of this is pornography. If you search up some porn, chances are it’ll leave sexual/dating ads in its place. Indirectly means that ads assume your demographic profile. G is a 22-year-old male. His browsing activity reflects that: he likes sports, movies, gore, violence, etc. Sometimes he gets ads on websites that are either pornographic or dating related. He hasn’t looked up anything directly porn related in a long time, but Google assumes he’s a young man and correlates his advertisements this way.

Isn’t that scary how the Internet learns about you and correlates things to your gender, age and personality? It is done through search engines like Google, Bing and Yahoo, and through browsers like Chrome, Safari, Firefox and Explorer. All search engines and browsers do this, but Google is the main culprit. Your information is sold by your browser and search engine to companies. That’s why you get phone calls a lot from random numbers, and why ads seem to perfectly fit you. I remember when I had Facebook and I’d see ads for shirts with my last name on it. It’s based on who I have as friends, my last name, and what I look up.

Unfortunately there aren’t many ways to avoid being tracked online, but you can minimize the tracking. I try to switch between emails and signing out in order to prevent my activity from being tracked on one account. I also try to monitor what I’m searching and making sure it’s not something inappropriate. Porn sites and dating sites have some of the worst viruses, malware and trackers out there. Trying to stay away from inappropriate websites is key, too. Looking to make sure a website is certified helps as well. Usually there is some sort of action that indicates a website is secure based on the browser: I know Chrome makes the website bar green if it’s secure, and Safari displays a little key if it’s a secure website.

Making sure you log out of shared computers is important, as well. If you go to a library or use a friend’s laptop, sign out when you’re done. Sometimes they may use your account by accident and if they are doing inappropriate things it can be linked to your account. 

This is a short post, but it’s one for awareness. 

Body Image Issues


Hello everyone! I wanted to write an article on a subject that hits close to me: body image issues. You probably have heard of terms like body dysmorphic disorder, anorexia, bullimia, etc. These are all disorders linked to both body image and the brain. Here are some statistics according to Do Something:

  1. “Body image” is the way that someone perceives their body and assumes that others perceive them. This image is often affected by family, friends, social pressure and the media.
  2. People who are unhappy with their bodies and don’t seek healthy nutrition information may develop eating disorders. “Eating disorders” are unhealthy relationships with food that may include fasting, constant dieting, or binging and purging.
  3. Body image is closely linked to self-esteem. Low self-esteem in adolescents can lead to eating disorders, early sexual activity, substance use and suicidal thoughts. You can post encouraging notes in your school bathrooms to brighten your classmates’ day. Sign up for Mirror Messages.
  4. Approximately 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies and resort to dieting to achieve their ideal body shape. Unfortunately, only 5% of women naturally possess the body type often portrayed by Americans in the media.
  5. 58% of college-aged girls feel pressured to be a certain weight.
  6. Studies show that the more reality television a young girl watches, the more likely she is to find appearance important.
  7. More than 1/3 of the people who admit to “normal dieting,” will merge into pathological dieting. Roughly 1/4 of those will suffer from a partial or full-on eating disorder.
  8. In a survey, more than 40% of women and about 20% of men agreed they would consider cosmetic surgery in the future. The statistics remain relatively constant across gender, age, marital status, and race.
  9. Students, especially women, who consume more mainstream media, place a greater importance on sexiness and overall appearance than those who do not consume as much.
  10. 95% of people with eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25.
  11. Only 10% of people suffering from an eating disorder will seek professional help.


Out of these statistics, I think the most alarming are the fact that 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies, 5% of American women have the body types that are idolized by the media, 58% of college girls feel pressured to be a certain weight and 95% of people with body dysmorphic disorder are between 12 and 25. A lot of people don’t understand how harmful this is to both physical and mental health. Many times people with body image disorders either don’t eat (anorexia) or they eat and throw up (bullimia). If someone has an eating disorder they can damage their teeth, bodies, throats, etc. But perhaps the most damage done is to the mind. People often do not see themselves how others see them.


This is Karen Carpenter of The Carpenters. On the left is Karen in the early 70s at her initial weight of 110 lbs., and on the right was Karen at 83 lbs by the late 70s. Ms. Carpenter was the  first major celebrity to deal with anorexia nervosa and she died from it. She was bullied by her record label to lose weight. It damaged her mental image of herself and caused her to develop a distorted image of herself. 

I’ve never suffered from anorexia or bullimia before, but I do have a distorted body image. When I was young my parents would make comments if I lost weight and it made me feel self conscious. I feel self conscious in a bikini because I have belly fat, and I feel uncomfortable when people stare at my breasts or butt. Being called “chubby” and “ugly” growing up has affected my self esteem. 

Body dysmorphic disorder affects men and women almost equally, but arguably for women it is more destructive. Women are the sex who are groomed from a young age to care about their appearances, to look sexy, and that there is always something they can improve. I will not mention the website because it may be triggering to some of you reading, but there are websites where everyday girls post naked selfies of themselves. If you look at the original 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies and 95% of women with body dysmorphic disorder are between 12 and 25, most of these women are insecure and unhappy with their bodies. If you think about it, by you clicking on websites and looking at pictures of women online, you’re adding to the problem. You’re validating insecure women’s self esteem in the wrong way. You’re telling them the only way to get respect and attention is to be naked. A lot of people miss the point and think that these women are happy doing what they’re doing. 

Many times when you click on these poor girls’ pictures, you forget that sometimes these pictures posted are from revenge porn. I know people who had pictures of them posted on the internet without their consent by ex-boyfriends, and it ruined their lives. G went to school with an 18-year-old girl who made a porno and the school found out, and she dropped out. But perhaps the biggest thing to remember is that when you are giving attention to random girls online with low self esteem, you forget that there’s someone at home who you should be paying attention to instead: your girl. 


My name is Sarah, I’m 5’4, 150 lbs. and I am beautiful. I deserve love and respect just as much as anyone else. This is what I try to tell myself every morning. I try not to let the media dictate what I should look like. My BMI says I’m overweight, but I am healthy and love my hourglass figure. I wear clothes that make me feel sexy and comfortable. My partner G loves and supports me on my journey to healing. Some days are easier than others. I wanted to post this for G on here. G, I’m sorry that I am not always able to be happy and confident. It is hard to always be happy and feel good about myself. I am sorry I forget that you need support not for me to be afraid. I appreciate your efforts. Tomorrow will be 4 months since your D-Day, and you’ve only had one slip. I’m very proud of you. I’m sorry I get anxious and obsessive. I get scared that you’ll change your mind and will stop caring that porn of any kind (regular women, celebrities and porn stars) hurts me. Thank you for your effort. It saves me and helps me heal daily. 🎈

Remember what I wrote here next time you feel tempted to call somebody chubby, skinny, ugly, flat chested, etc. It hurts, especially when you’re young. It is important to respect everybody, male or female. We all fight battles everyday. Know that your words are like bullets and can tear someone apart. Someone can 

Butterfly

Today is a rough day. I found out I failed a test and that usually never happens to me, especially the low grade that I got. Then G read my blog post and said that it made him sad/concerned. I feel like the more I try to express my feelings the more people make me feel like I’m insane. I’ve confided in people close to me about my anxiety and specific triggers that make me anxious, and people just tell me to go see a therapist. As a psychology major, I understand how one’s mental health is important and speaking to a professional is important when you have issues. But sometimes when someone confides in you they just want you to tell them that you understand them and support how they’re feeling over a particular topic. I know people don’t intend to come off as dismissing, but it’s how it feels to me. 

Studying sexual addiction is important to me because of people in my life who have addictions to pornograpy or who have been promiscuous because of being raped/sexually assaulted. It’s very dismissing for people whose opinions matter most to you to make you feel lousy for having your views. My parents have called me a zealot because I have a t-shirt that says “porn kills love”. That crushes me because it makes me not wanna confide in them about experiences I’ve had. 

I honestly have no clue how to deal with everything. Overall, these last few months I’ve seen an increase in my self esteem and how I look at myself. I feel more confident in my clothes and who I am as a woman. I guess my fears of losing that causes me to lash out at G. He’s been doing great with his journey to stop looking at porn, but when he slips up I freak out. I forgive him but I don’t forget anything that’s happened. I remember roughly when he’s slipped up, what he looked at, etc. I feel sad when he tells me “porn isn’t the worst thing in the world.” I know it isn’t his intention but it makes me feel like my triggers and ptsd relating to porn isn’t important. 

Some people are perfectly okay with porn being in their relationships: one or both people look at it, it doesn’t cause any problems for them. Good for them, I’m happy that they find something that works for them and makes them happy. I’m not one of those people. The only nude people I want being involved in my relationship are my boyfriend and I. That’s an abnormal request in the world we live in today when sex is being plastered left and right. It makes me feel safe, loved and cherished when I know my partner only looks at my body that way. A lot of men say that they wouldn’t care if their partner looked at porn, but it’s because a lot of women don’t look at porn, and many who do look at lesbian porn. But I’m sure a lot of men wouldn’t like it if they came home and their wife/girlfriend was masturbating with a dildo to other men. 

I spoke with a colleague of mine yesterday who is a Christian. He says he grew up in Los Angeles in the 80s and there was nudity everywhere. People become immune to it. But he says porn today is a lot different than porn of the 80s, and he’s right. He says he’s not perfect, but he prays when he finds himself tempted to sin and lust after women. And he’s single. I feel if he can curb his sexual desires and boredom so can men in relationships. Porn of the 80s was not as visual as it is today, people were hairy, and it was more focused on mutual pleasure. Today most porn is centered on men and what is pleasurable to them: degrading their female partner. Men admit that they like seeing women in porn being brutalized, slapped, spit on, sworn at, etc. 

It would be a totally different world if porn was a female-focused industry. Men would be very jealous if their girlfriends/wives were looking at men with abs, muscles and huge penises all the time. If the media published pictures of naked/half naked men all the time. If women’s bodies were censored and men’s were not. More men would have body image issues. If they kept catching their wives looking at naked men, and dealt with the frustrating battle of their wives lying about it all the time. Porn degrades men and women, but you’re fooling yourself if you think it’s equal. You never really see the man in mainstream porn besides his penis. Women are the ones being spanked, spat on, sworn at, and being treated like a toy. Men would understand how it felt if they were being looked at like a piece of meat everywhere they went.

Men say “I wouldn’t care if my girl looked at porn” because they assume that she means looking at soft stuff just because she’s a girl. They think girls would look at lesbian porn or soft core porn. But how would they feel if they were a small, white male and their girlfriend constantly looked at big, muscular black men in porn. They’d be pretty upset and would wonder to themselves if that is what their girlfriend wanted. That’s how we feel. When we hear about another naked celebrity we think to ourselves “Great, that might trigger him to look at her and other women.” Imagine if men had to hear about Channing Tatum’s leaked nudes all the time and their wives were constantly looking at them? If their wives weren’t as interested in sex as they were because they aren’t horny because they looked at porn earlier? If women performers were all innocent and male performers were always half naked shaking their butts and junk? 

The messed up part is that most men deny that women are treated poorly and laugh it off as women being on their periods or something ignorant. That’s why porn is big. That and the government gets money from it. Playboy contributes millions of dollars a year to the government, including to the education and judicial branches. The news publishes stories on pornography to distract everyone. People become addicted to pornography and then the government paid psychiatrists tell everyone it’s not an addiction. Well what do you call it when 20 year old men are going to the doctor with ED? A disease that shouldn’t affect them for another 50 years. Or that younger and younger kids are being exposed to pornography. Porn is most people’s first partner, along with their hand.

I get so fed up of being told that I need to accept porn in my relationship and in general. I never tell people who like porn that they’re wrong, so why do they tell me I’m wrong? Why am I wrong for wanting my partner to look at me naked and only me? Why am I wrong for wanting him to just love me, my body and to solve boredom or sexual frustration with me? 😦

PTSD and Triggers

TW: This post may trigger some unpleasant memories for some of you. Please read with caution. xx


Growing up, I’ve had a loving family, a good education, the ability to try whatever I wanted to try. I was a pretty happy kid because of the security blanket placed above me by my family. My family were my best friends. I didn’t have many friends growing up, and a lot of the “friends” I had were not true friends. Little did I know that experiences I had as a child and teenager would come back to haunt me as an adult.

Throughout my life I strived to be normal. But my reactions to things growing up showed me I wasn’t normal. I remember kids my age telling me how they’d watch PG-13 movies and R-rated movies with their families. Shallow Hal was my first PG-13 movie and I thought it was hilarious! Comedy movies don’t bother me, I can appreciate normal comedy, raunchy comedy and dark humor. 

But I also remember being young and seeing sex scenes on television and in movies. I remember my brother teasing me by locking me in the room when there’d be a scary scene or a sex scene and I’d be crying to be let out because I didn’t want to watch it anymore. He’d laugh and wouldn’t understand the big deal. I had a combination reaction of being traumatized and curious of what I saw. My family regularly watched movies with sex scenes in them, some of them borderline rape. My mother would tell my dad to fast forward it and told me to cover my eyes, but I’d glance over and see things that I can’t unsee. 

I’m haunted all the time by memories and images and it is difficult because I can’t articulate it properly into words. The other day I had a mini panic attack because G and I were watching the Newlywed Game; the host asked the men which of their wives’ friends would they most likely want to see naked. G laughed and asked what kind of stupid question is that, and agreed with me if the answer was anything besides “none” you were a bad husband. He got frustrated with me because I was triggered by that and he didn’t do anything. I try to contain my triggers but I’m an open book.

This morning I teared up and had another mini panic attack because I was listening to “Black Barbies” by Nicki Minaj. It brought me back to the times when I saw G kept looking up naked pictures of her. It’s hard to explain if you haven’t lived through it. You can’t hate somebody you’ve never met or talked to, but I just find myself loathing celebrities/porn stars that I know G has seen naked. It doesn’t even bother me the slightest that G has been with other women besides me, but porn does bother me. It makes me cringe inside knowing he’s seen thousands upon thousands of women naked. They say nudity is natural and beautiful and a way into truly knowing someone. 


People laugh or dismiss me when I say that I have PTSD and triggers from pornography. It’s just porn calm down. Every man looks at porn and every woman just has to accept it or be a lesbian. Porn is no big deal everybody watches porn! Who cares about nudity? It’s natural! It just makes me feel more depressed and like my feelings aren’t valid. I have so many triggers and I’m just discovering some now. It hurts because G is right, I can’t avoid everything and we can’t avoid everything that has suggestive humor or sex/nudity. But I wish I could. I’m triggered by certain celebrities. I’m triggered by rape scenes or sex scenes on television/movies. I’m triggered by the word porn. I’m triggered by women with better faces or bodies than me. If you don’t have PTSD you don’t understand what it’s like.

Sometimes I wake up crying and sweating because I had a nightmare. It’s not even close to being G’s fault. Being with him reopened wounds from my youth. Being with him means I have to face head on what I tried to bury deep for so long. I can shake it off for a little bit and then it comes back. I’m scared by the fact that women with fake bodies are captiviating, and that someone with a nice(r) body can catch my man’s attention even for a second. I guess it’s because of how I conduct myself when in a relationship. When I was single, sometimes I’d get curious if a celebrity had pictures leaked, and I followed accounts online (not nude accounts, but ones with sexy people). But when I got with G I stopped because I knew I wouldn’t want that to be done to me.

These last almost 4 months have been great. Besides G’s slip last week, things have gone smoothly. I’m learning to talk about it less with him and he’s been more comfortable talking with me. I can feel my breathing change and my eyes tear up, even as I write this. Sometimes I feel like I’m too damaged for love. I have so many triggers, I get upset easily, I feel pain in my heart and my soul. It takes a lot of work but G and I are moving past this. 

G understands me well, but I know part of him can’t rationalize why I feel how I feel about porn. You wouldn’t think so, but I’m a very sexual person. I love making love with my man, and learning new things together. But I prefer leaving others out of our bedroom and minds. It makes me sad because the news still publishes stories about naked celebrities as if they’re news, and that is triggering for G and many men. I panic when I see sexy news headlines because it just makes me think of everything. 

I’ve been manipulated into revealing sexual information about myself and people have saved my innocent pictures to masturbate to. I’ve heard men saying they wanted to take my virginity because of how innocent and pure I was. It disgusts me. I’ve walked in on my dad and brother looking at porn and my dad screamed at me. I still remember it. I remember the person who manipulated me into revealing sexual information about myself masturbating as he got the information. I still cry sometimes over it. I don’t see a therapist. I take medication and it is helpful, but I feel I’m broken. Broken beyond repair. 

I feel abnormal and like I should just be locked away from people sometimes. G and I are both broken souls who come together and heal. But sometimes I just feel like I’m too damaged. I’m at work and I’m just tearing up writing this because these are just raw emotions spewing out of me. I love G so much, more than anything in the whole world. He completes me and is my soul mate. He gives me a sense of purpose, helps me grow and also helps me heal. But I just have so many issues. Sometimes I feel he’d be better off with a girl who loves porn, has a good amount of friends, is more sociable, who wouldn’t mind not seeing him everyday. G still chooses me despite my flaws. He is very careful with me and holds me to the same standards he wants to be held to. He’s been hurt before and I try to he as good to him as possible. I also try to be understanding and patient.

I know it is counter to his progress for me to bring it up a lot, but it is reassuring for me. I know that he gets frustrated because he feels like I don’t trust him or that he should just do it anyway because I get snappy and difficult no matter what he does. It makes me sad because I know I’m difficult and I know I should be in therapy but I don’t want to be judged. 

I love G more than the stars in the sky and the sand on the beach. I couldn’t picture my life without him in it. I shouldn’t snap at him or give him the quiet treatment, I should be able to talk with him better after 2 years. I don’t mean to fail. I love you, G. Please continue to forgive me and understand I don’t mean to behave badly towards you, I’m just a mess.